This is a year of transition, challenge, and joy for me and my family. It has taken every last bit of organization, management, and productivity skill that I have, and then some. In the past I would have lavished these skills on managing a busy household, developing a growing coaching practice, and engaging in several leadership roles and volunteer activities in bar and community organizations while organizing social events with friends and family gatherings. This year it has been entirely about showing up where I am needed most right now: for and with my family.
We’re getting so tightly squeezed this year from supporting our parents and kids, that it seems like not so much a “sandwich” effect as a vice grip. My husband and I take turns with burnout and recovery and keep thinking it will be better next week, next month, or next season. It is and it isn’t. The challenges change, but it’s always something.
We knew this would be a big year with all three of our boys graduating in June. Like so many families of seniors, the last school year filled our calendar with the kids’ activities and endeavors. In a 6 week period this Spring we attended (and coordinated family to attend) 15 events, including three trips to Eugene, which culminated in hosting a senior recital and graduation party on the level of a small wedding. It was a joy to be present for all of this with our kids and extended family to celebrate this wonderful milestone. We wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.
Alongside all this, our parents have needed additional support. My mother is a 4-year survivor of ovarian cancer and this year she needed more caregiving support as her symptoms progressed, and, recently, for a third round of chemotherapy. My in-laws also needed support as they downsized belongings and sold the house they built 50 years ago to move into a smaller townhome. For us, this meant two week-long trips to Arizona in July (during a heat wave) to help them pack and move. We are grateful to be able to support our parents and be present for these important transitions.
We also welcomed Vlad, a Ukrainian exchange student, into our family. Vlad attended high school with our sons and needed a place to stay this summer until he left for Emory University. Hosting Vlad and supporting his transition to college after being away from his family for 2 years due to the war in Ukraine was a privilege for which we are very grateful. We look forward to being his “home base” in the US as he pursues higher education and his dream of working for the United Nations.
This summer we also celebrated several birthdays (including my mom’s 72nd!), took my twin sons to IntroDucktion (University of Oregon freshman orientation program), and had a family vacation in Sunriver (in Bend, Oregon) with my parents, brother, and sister-in-law.
In a few short weeks, we will help my eldest son move into a new apartment as he pursues a graduate degree in elementary education. And two weeks after that, our twin sons will move into their freshman dorm room. Until then, we are helping them prepare with cleaning, shopping, and packing.
Throughout all of this, I have held onto friendships and self-care routines, but these have also been neglected at times. I am becoming more flexible and accommodating in my expectations for myself and others. I learned to let things go, even things that I thought “should” or “needed” to be done. Out of necessity, it became easier to trust that needed resources would fall into place and if they didn’t, we didn’t need them anyway. “Good enough” is plenty in challenging times, and often at other times as well.
Earlier this year, I heard an interview of journalist Mary Louise Kelly about her new memoir, It. Goes. So. Fast. The Year of No Do-Overs. The book is about Kelly’s eldest son’s senior year of high school and her effort to be fully present for it, alongside a successful and demanding career. She took a sabbatical from work so that she could immerse herself in this one last important year with her family. And then she decided to also take an offer to write a book about it. She was unable to return from a writing retreat in time to see an important soccer match but was later able to attend the state championship match and see her son’s winning goal.
In an interview with NPR colleague Scott Simon, Kelly noted that work felt ephemeral in that there would always be more work. There would always be another opportunity to perform and produce work the next day and the next. But, engaging in her own life and the life of her family needed to be intentional. She made time and space intentionally for herself and her loved ones so that she could be fully present. Even if it wasn’t perfect as exemplified by the missed soccer match. In closing, she said:
“And I wanted to really wrestle with one year in my life [and] the choices I was making, the deals I was striking with myself and, whether I got it right or wrong, be intentional about it and remember it and let it stick. That’s what this book is.”
There will always be things we miss out on and grieve because life is so big that we can’t possibly do and be present for all of it all at the same time. The key is to make those choices intentionally.
For me, like Kelly, this past year it meant downsizing my professional life to make more space for my family life. I did this by letting go of volunteer and leadership obligations, and by deciding not to facilitate Retreats this year. I wasn’t able to attend to marketing activities as much as I would have liked, but it was okay because I had enough work to do in the time I had available for work. While there have been trade-offs and consequences, I am truly grateful for what life has blessed me with this year and always. I know I am right where I need to be right now. And so it goes …
Many coaching clients seek to find more balance and satisfaction in their work and life. It can be done, but it is different for each person. Coaching helps clients discern and clarify their intentions and desires for work and life, and then begin adopting the practices and habits that bring them closer to their goals. I have seen this time and again with partners, parents, and caregivers for aging adults who also develop and manage a successful practice. I admire their motivation and perseverance to create the work and life they want. Helping them along the way is an honor and a joy.
To explore how coaching can help you clarify and pursue your intentions for a more rewarding approach to work and life, let’s connect! Contact me for a free 30-minute consultation to see if coaching is a good fit for your needs. Call or text me at 503-734-7232, or e-mail heather@tcbcoaching.com
